Staying calm - yeah right!

How to Stay Calm During Your Child’s Challenging Behaviour

You know those moments when your child completely loses it…

yelling, refusing, or doing the opposite of what you ask

and you can feel your own frustration rising?

You’re not alone.

Every parent knows the heat that builds inside when our child’s behaviour pushes us to the edge.

But what if those moments weren’t about control or disobedience?

What if they were signals…. messages about needs that aren’t being met, both in your child and in you?

That’s where Whole Needs Parenting© changes everything.

Seeing Behaviour as Communication

In Whole Needs Parenting, all behaviour has a purpose.

It’s not about being “naughty” or “difficult”

It’s communication.

When we pause long enough to look beneath the surface, we start to see what the behaviour is trying to tell us.

For example:

Your child refuses to get ready for school.

You’ve asked three times, and they’re still dragging their feet.

Your own need for order and cooperation is being unmet, and frustration kicks in.

But for your child, the behaviour might be saying, “I need connection first ,” or “I’m anxious about something at school.”

When we recognise that both of us have unmet needs in the moment, we can shift from anger to understanding.

A Real Example

Imagine this:

Your five-year-old throws their breakfast on the floor. You feel a wave of irritation. You don’t have time for this.

You’ve already cleaned up twice this morning.

Your need for ease and respect feels completely disregarded.

But your child might be showing you something too.

Maybe they’re overstimulated, tired, or simply needing autonomy. Maybe in your rushing, you’ve been so busy yelling out directions and they are wanting some control over their morning.

Taking a slow breath and naming what’s happening can be powerful:

“You really didn’t want that cereal today. You wanted to choose.”

You’re not approving of the behaviour; you’re acknowledging the feeling and need underneath it.

From there, you can calmly set a limit while still staying connected.

The calm tone meets your need for respect and leadership while meeting their need for choice and understanding.

Staying Calm Starts with Awareness

When you feel your own body tense, that’s your signal too.

It’s your nervous system saying, “I need a pause.”

In that moment, instead of reacting, you can check in with yourself.

What do I need right now?

What might my child need right now?

That small act of awareness changes the whole interaction.

It brings both of you back into connection instead of conflict.

The Heart of It

Staying calm isn’t about being perfect.

It’s about staying curious.

Whole Needs Parenting teaches us to look underneath the behaviour.

Underneath our behaviour and feelings and our child’s.

Then we can see the unmet needs that drive it.

When those needs are recognised, behaviour naturally shifts, and connection deepens.

So next time your child’s behaviour lights that spark of frustration inside you, take it as an invitation. Pause, breathe, and listen to both of you.

That’s where calm begins.