Tantrums are triggering

How to Not Get Triggered by Tantrums

You know full well how it feels.

It’s happens so much.

This morning, it was the toast.

One slice, lightly browned, butter not quite to the edge and yet still the meltdown began.

My daughter was suddenly on the floor, face red, voice sharp, tears falling fast. Volume increasing.

It wasn’t about the toast.

I knew that.

I tried so hard to get it right.

But still, my jaw tightened.

My heart rate sped up.

That rising wave of “I can’t deal with this right now” started to build inside me.

Sound familiar?

For so many of us, tantrums can feel like an attack. On our calm. On our sanity. On our patience.

On our sense of being a “good” parent.

And the part that hurts the most?

It’s not even about us.

But somehow it feels personal.

We go from calm to chaos in seconds.

Not because of the screaming.

But because of what the screaming touches inside us.

That’s where “whole needs” parenting comes in.

This way of parenting isn’t about fixing the tantrum or silencing the outburst.

It’s about looking under the behaviour and seeing what it’s trying to say.

Not just for your child.

But for you too.

A tantrum isn’t just a child being “naughty.”

It’s a communication.

It’s a brain that’s overwhelmed and a heart that doesn’t have the words.

And beneath all of that?

A need.

To be heard.

To feel safe.

To know they matter, even when they’re falling apart (or especially when they are falling apart).

And what about us?

The part of us that gets triggered, that wants to yell, or shut down, or escape.

That part has needs too.

Often old ones.

Hidden ones.

A need to feel in control.

To feel respected.

To feel like we’re not failing.

And to know we matter, even when we are falling apart.

So when we talk about “not getting triggered,” it’s not about suppressing our feelings or pretending we’re okay.

It’s about understanding them.

What this moment is touching in us.

What it’s bringing up.

And what we need to be okay in that moment, as well as what our child needs.

It’s not easy.

Especially when you’re tired.

Especially when it’s the fifth meltdown of the morning.

But when you start to see tantrums not as a problem to solve, but as a message to interpret, something changes.

You step out of the power struggle.

You soften.

You become curious.

You begin to parent the whole child and the whole you, too.

For those that need help to work through this and address your needs - reach out to me personally and we can create a bespoke plan for you.

I can also help with a step by step guide to reduce the tantrums