One Child Getting More Attention?

As a parent it’s common to notice when one child gets more attention than their siblings, and it can trigger guilt and worry.

You try your best to give each child what they need, but sometimes it feels like one is getting more of you than the other.

Then the thoughts begin:

Am I showing enough love?

Is one child going to feel less important?

Many parents want to be fair. And try really hard. However the focus can be off or misdirected.

The truth is, this isn’t about keeping a tally of minutes spent with each child.

It’s about feelings.

Children don’t measure love in numbers.

They sense it in the attention, the presence, and the energy you give them.

Imagine one of your children is having a hard time at school. Maybe with friendships or falling behind in reading.

Obviously you want to help them. They start to get more of your time and focus.

Over weeks or months, this can look like a pattern.

The other child, who seems to be coping just fine, quietly begins to feel like love is uneven.

This is the part you might miss. Even though you may feel it and know it, you misread their behaviours and reactions to this.

Here’s the important piece: the attention you give to the child who’s struggling is not more love.

But children often see attention and love as the same.

This can make the “coping” child question whether they are valued.

Let’s use Whole Needs Parenting© to address this. Their need isn’t for words.

It’s to feel your love in everyday moments through closeness, being noticed, and the warmth of your presence.

Sometimes it shows in another way.

Picture a younger sibling getting cuddles while the older one starts misbehaving, answering back, or making noise.

Again you can misread the behaviours

On the surface it looks like bad behaviour. Underneath, it’s a bid for attention.

To children, attention often equals love.

The real need here isn’t correction.

It’s to feel your love, shown in a way that lands in their heart, not just their ears.

The deeper need for every child

What both examples show is that every child has the same underlying need: to experience love in a way that feels real to them, no matter where your attention is drawn in the moment.

The love itself doesn’t change.

But unless it is made visible and felt, a child may start to question it.

So what to keep in mind?

• Attention and love are not the same but children often see them as one.

• When attention shifts to one child, siblings may need to feel your love in ways beyond words.

• Acting out, sulking, or withdrawing are all ways of saying, “I need to feel your love too.”

By understanding children’s needs and how they experience love, parents can respond with awareness, helping each sibling feel seen and valued, even when attention naturally shifts.