Kids and tidying up

When Tidying Up Turns Into a War: How to Parent Without the Power Struggle

It starts off small.

You ask your child to tidy up their toys.

They ignore you.

You ask again.

They shout, run off, or tell you it’s boring.

You end up yelling, tidying it yourself while muttering under your breath, or threatening to throw everything in the bin.

It wasn’t meant to be like this.

You’re not trying to raise a child who’s entitled or lazy.

You just want to teach responsibility, cooperation, and care.

But somehow, every time you ask for help, whether it’s tidying, setting the table, or putting their shoes away, it turns into a standoff.

And it’s exhausting.

You feel disrespected.

Powerless.

Worn thin by the mental tug-of-war.

You’re not even sure if it’s about the mess anymore.

You just want your child to listen.

Does it have to be this hard?!

This is where many parents find themselves.

They are stuck between “I should be firmer” and “I want to be more gentle.”

The internal tug-of-war often mirrors the one we’re having with our kids.

With many parenting strategies we might be tempted to say, “If you don’t tidy, no screen time.”

In gentle parenting, we try to stay calm, validate feelings, and give choices.

But when that doesn’t work either, we can feel caught—unsure what’s too harsh, and what’s too soft.

That’s where “whole needs” parenting comes in.

Whole needs parenting starts from the understanding that a child isn’t being difficult.

They are having a difficulty.

Their refusal, resistance, or shutdown is communication.

And often, we’re too triggered or stretched ourselves to decode it.

So what do you do instead?

You shift from commanding to collaborating.

Instead of being the enforcer, you become the guide.

Instead of getting caught in a tug-of-war, you become the anchor.

This doesn’t mean you let your child avoid all responsibility.

It means you stop trying to control their behaviour, and start leading the situation with clarity and connection.

You focus on what needs to happen:

• You lead the rhythm, not demand the result.

• You create structure, not rigidity.

• You focus on connection before correction.

• You stay steady, instead of escalating.

• You work with your child, not against them.

You might ask yourself:

• What state are they in right now? Regulated or overwhelmed?

• What’s their unmet need underneath the “no”?

• What is the bigger picture I want to teach here?

You model cooperation, not coercion.

You uphold your boundary, but not as a punishment.

You create an environment where the child feels emotionally safe enough to want to follow your lead, not because they fear you but because they trust you.

And this doesn’t happen through tricks or charts.

It happens in the tone you use.

The steadiness of your presence.

The belief that your child isn’t your opponent but someone you’re helping grow.

You don’t have to choose between being “too soft” or “too strict.”

You can be a parent who leads with your child, not over them.

That’s the shift.

From power over, to power with.

From trying to win, to trying to connect.

And the beautiful part?

When your child feels that shift in you, they start to shift too.

Not instantly, not perfectly but gradually, and in a way that actually lasts.

This is possible.

And it’s easier than what you are experiencing right now.