Growing your kids’ independence

How Much Should You Help, and How Much Should You Let Them Do It Themselves?

It’s the constant dance of parenting: Do I step in or step back?

One moment, your child is clinging to your leg, begging you to tie their shoelaces.

The next, they’re refusing your help and trying to do something wildly beyond their capability.

I know what it’s like.

You’re running late for kindy drop-off.

Your four-year-old insists on buckling themselves into the car seat.

You know it’ll take longer than you have.

You’re already tired, carrying a lunchbox, a coffee, and a toddler.

What do you do?

Or zoom forward a few years.

Your 13-year-old has a major school project due tomorrow.

You ask how it’s going, and they shrug: “Fine.”

But you know nothing’s been started.

You’re torn.

Do you step in and help them plan it out?

Do you let them face the consequences?

What if their confidence takes a hit?

If you’ve ever stood at that crossroad of I want to support their independence and I want to protect them from failure, you’re not alone.

The Push-Pull of Growing Up

Children are wired to want both connection and autonomy.

The younger years are all about building trust and emotional safety.

As they grow, they naturally want more control.

First over small things (like pouring cereal), then bigger things (like crossing the road alone or managing schoolwork).

This shift isn’t just behavioural. It’s biological.

What’s going on in the Brain

The part of the brain responsible for planning, problem-solving, and impulse control is the prefrontal cortex, and it develops very slowly.

It is not nearing full maturity until the mid-20s.

This means your child may want to do things on their own before they have the full capacity to think through the consequences.

What’s your role here?

To let them practice in safe, structured ways, without jumping too far ahead of what they’re ready for.

The Ages and Stages of Letting Go (A Little at a Time)

Toddlers (1–3 years):

Independence looks like wanting to feed themselves, pick their outfit, or say “no” constantly.

Help by offering two acceptable choices (maximum), letting them try tasks, and resisting the urge to redo everything.

It’s messy, but it’s the foundation.

Preschoolers (3–5 years):

They start craving more autonomy. “I can do it myself” is something you might hear often.

Even if they can’t.

Use moments like getting dressed, packing their bag, or tidying up to teach routines, while offering scaffolding.

This means helping just enough for them to succeed.

Early Primary (5–8 years):

Here, they’re learning how the world works.

And start to see that they can have an impact on it.

Involve them in planning: “What do you need for school today?” instead of just packing their bag for them.

They need to practice thinking for themselves, with backup if they forget.

Tweens (9–12 years):

They may look capable, but they still need you close. Independence increases around schoolwork, friendships, and time management, but they rely on structure.

This is a golden time to teach executive functioning skills. You do this by doing it with them, not by doing it for them.

Teens (13+):

They want independence but still need your emotional presence.

Trust is built when they know you’re not hovering, but you’re not gone.

Let them own their mistakes.

However they know that there is support.

Be their anchor, not their manager.

You need to move through the stages.

Don’t try and jump a stage just because their age indicates they shoood be past it.

Or because their peers are at a different stage.

Let use ‘Whole Needs’ Parenting: What Do They

Really Need?

Instead of asking, “Should I help or let them do it alone?”, ask:

“What is my child’s need right now. What do they need emotionally, mentally, physically, and socially?”

• A child who can’t tie their shoes may not just need practice. They might be tired or frustrated.

• A teen who procrastinates may not need a lecture. They might need help naming their overwhelm and breaking down the task.

Meeting ‘whole needs’ means noticing what’s behind the behaviour.

Sometimes they need encouragement, sometimes co-regulation, sometimes space, sometimes a bit of both.

You’re Not Doing It Wrong

Have you ever stepped in and helped too much. Welcome to the club.

If you’ve ever waited too long to step in. Also welcome!

The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is balance.

That four-year-old buckling themselves in?

Maybe you take a deep breath and give them the extra 90 seconds today.

Or maybe you say, “I see you want to do it yourself. I’ll count to 10, then I’ll help finish so we’re on time.”

That 13-year-old?

Maybe you sit down and help them map out their project but let them do the actual work.

Or maybe you let them flounder a little and gently follow up tomorrow, using it as a learning moment.

Both responses can support independence and connection.

In the End

Helping and handing over independence isn’t a straight line.

It’s a dance.

You’ll step on toes sometimes.

But with curiosity, patience, and trust in your child’s growing capacity, you’ll teach them not just to do things on their own but to feel confident and supported as they do.

And it’s shows them you trust them.