Teenagers!

How to Keep a Teenager on Side Even When You’re at Your Wit’s End

Your 15-year-old storms through the front door, throws their bag on the floor, and disappears into their room without a word.

You catch a glimpse. Sullen, tight jaw, eyes down, energy bristling. Oozing ‘leave me alone’ vibes.

You call out a gentle “Hey, you okay?” and if you do get an answer, it is a flat “Fine” before the door shuts.

You’re left standing in the hallway, heart tight, feeling that you failed again.

And wondering what you’re supposed to do now.

You’re not trying to pry.

You’re not trying to interfere.

You just want to stay close.

You want to be let in.

But right now, you feel shut out.

Maybe you’re hurt. Maybe you’re scared.

Maybe you’re exhausted from walking on eggshells, or from never knowing what version of them is going to show up.

You’ve tried everything.

Nothing works.

You are failing

And what’s going to happen in the long term.

Where will this lead to in the future ?

And there’s a flicker of resentment too.

Because you’re not just a parent.

You’re a person with your own needs.

You need peace in your home.

You need to feel respected.

You need to feel like you’re not failing.

You need connection, not confusion.

This is where Whole Needs Parenting comes in.

It recognises that everyone’s needs matter. Your teenager’s and yours.

Your teen may need space.

Or autonomy.

Or to not feel interrogated.

But you may need clarity.

Reassurance.

To know your child is okay.

You may need emotional honesty.

Or just a moment of mutual kindness.

How hard is that

Can’t they just give you something back?

And this approach isn’t about getting instant results.

This is about slowly closing a gap that’s been widening over time.

Not because you failed but because life happened.

School pressures, tech distractions, changing moods… and somewhere in there, the closeness you used to have drifted.

Now you’re showing up again.

Not to force connection, but to rebuild it bit by bit.

Instead of reacting from frustration or fear, you take a moment to check in with yourself.

You don’t push. You don’t fix.

You need to name what’s true and what is really happening, with care and calm.

Some options:

“When you came in and went straight to your room, I noticed I’d love a bit more time with you. I’m not here to pressure you. Just keen to say ‘hi’ . Would now or later work better for a quick catch-up”

Hey, I noticed you headed straight to your room. I’d love to touch base when it suits. No rush, I just want check in with you.

You came in and went straight to your room. I get that you might need some space. Just want to let you know I’d enjoy catching up when you feel like it.

I saw you went straight to your room. I’m just wondering how your day was when you’re up for a chat. I always like hearing what’s going on for you.

No “You’re being rude.”

No “Tell me what’s going on now.”

No “You can’t speak to me like that.”

keep it open. Acknowledge their needs. The more you blame them, the more they will fight back and close off.

Tune into both your needs without making either of you wrong.

It might not spark a big moment.

There may be silence, shrugs, or even an eye-roll.

But it lands.

They feel the shift. They feel you.

Keeping a teen on side is not about winning influence overnight.

It’s about rebuilding trust slowly, moment by moment.

It’s about them feeling safe (emotionally and physically)

It’s taken a while to break the bond, so it may take a while to build that trust back.

Let them see that you’re not here to control or fix them.

You’re here to know them again.

They are a whole person. With needs.

And so are you.

Even if they don’t show it yet…

They notice.

They remember.

And when the time comes, they’ll lean into that space you’ve kept open.

Be consistent

Be there for them

Stop fighting them (giving them a platform to fight back).