Updated: Dec 23, 2020
What do moving city, changing job and dating all have in common?
Apart from the fact that I've done them all recently, they all feature one common aspect:
Do you wonder why I am drawing your attention to this? It's because I have noticed that
SOME PEOPLE GET THE PROCESS WRONG
I will tell you:
1. There IS a process
2. There IS a downside to doing it wrong or skipping a step.
When I moved city, started a new job and started a relationship, I found that some of these relationships were harder to build than others. I realised that is was because they weren’t “following the process”.
In summary the aim is to build rapport, build trust and build intimacy.
There are several types of intimacy, here are the ones you may be best to aim for :
The way to do this is really simple - ask questions.
To be fair, it is a little more involved than this, so I will go into more depth
I will share personal stories about dating to demonstrate.
There was one guy I met for a coffee date. He initially seemed polite and courteous and we sat down and it seemed promising. We got our coffee and then usually it begins with getting to know each other. This is done by sharing. In turns. However on this occasion my date started talking, and kept talking, and kept talking. Allowing for nerves, we could overlook some of this. However, I realised the only way I was going to get to speak was to quite literally interrupt. How will he learn anything about me if I don't get to speak. I did manage to interrupt twice! So when the date ended, I knew all about him (or so it felt) and he knew nothing about me. In this case, the 'process' wasn't followed in the slightest. There was not a repeat date!
If I now share a better date - this is one where I ask questions and enquire about them and their life. The result - they feel that I am interested in them. This is a good date and they want to see me again. I am interested in them and they feel special and they feel a closeness because they have shared with me.
However, in an even better - ideal - date it is as above plus they ask me questions too. We feel some trust and we share more detail about our lives. We then feel more comfortable with each other and become more intimate. This is creating emotional and intellectual intimacy. The result - we both want to see each other again.
So the process for getting to know someone so that they feel comfortable with you:
Questions that lead to sharing. Open questions. More specifically it's about sharing personal information. This could be in a business sense in a business relationship or in a personal sense. So in a business setting you would still share personal information, thoughts and feelings within your business world.
We are testing to see if it’s safe. Asking questions shows the person is curious and interested and indicating it’s safe to share .
The process for more intimacy comes through peopling sharing with you because you indicate it is safe and you will treat their vulnerability and sensitive stuff like a treasure - with care and respect . And this leads to even more sharing.
So in short - you will get further if you build relationships and these will happen faster and better if you are curious and show interest, ask questions and share.
You may need more help in this area. Contact me at Life Mentoring for a free call.