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Reluctant child

Writer's picture: Life MentoringLife Mentoring

How to Respond to an Unmotivated or Reluctant Child

It can be frustrating—and even a little worrying—when your child refuses to try new things or seems completely unmotivated.


You might feel like you're constantly encouraging, bribing, or even pushing them, yet they dig in their heels.


You may wonder if it’s just a phase or if they’ll struggle with motivation forever.


The good news?


Reluctance to try new things is completely normal, and it often has more to do with how your child feels inside than what they are (or aren’t) willing to do.


By understanding their stage of development and meeting them where they are, you can help them build the confidence and motivation they need to take on new challenges.


Ages and Stages: Why Some Kids Resist Trying New Things


Toddlers and Preschoolers (Ages 2–5)

At this age, children are naturally cautious about the unfamiliar.


They thrive on routine and predictability because it makes them feel safe.


Trying something new—whether it’s tasting a new food or playing with a new group of kids—can feel overwhelming.


If they refuse, it’s usually more about needing security than being difficult.


Early School Years (Ages 6–9)


Children in this age range are beginning to compare themselves to others.


If they fear failure or embarrassment, they may avoid trying new things to protect themselves.


Perfectionism can also show up here, making some kids hesitant to attempt anything they might not immediately succeed at.


Tweens and Teens (Ages 10 and Up)


Older kids are developing their own identity and may resist new experiences if they don’t see the value in them.


They might also struggle with internal doubts—fearing they’ll be bad at something, that they’ll be judged, or that it’s just “not their thing.”


Some may seem uninterested in everything, while others fixate on one or two safe activities and avoid branching out.


The Role of Motivation: Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic


Understanding motivation can help you figure out why your child is reluctant and what might help them move forward.


Intrinsic Motivation: The Internal Drive


Intrinsic motivation comes from within.


A child who is intrinsically motivated does something because they find it enjoyable, interesting, or meaningful.

For example:

  • A child who loves drawing and spends hours sketching for fun.

  • A teen who practices guitar because they feel proud when they improve.

  • A young child who builds towers just to see how tall they can go.


When a child lacks motivation, they might not have found something that sparks their curiosity yet, or they may be feeling anxious or overwhelmed.


The key is helping them develop confidence and curiosity so they can experience the internal rewards of learning and growth.


Extrinsic Motivation: External Rewards and Pressure


Extrinsic motivation comes from outside forces, like rewards, praise, or avoiding consequences.


Examples include:

  • Doing homework to earn screen time.

  • Practicing soccer because the coach expects it.

  • Reading a book to get a sticker on a reward chart.


Extrinsic motivation isn’t bad—it can be a useful tool to help children get started with something they might not naturally be drawn to.


However, if a child relies only on external rewards, they may struggle to develop lasting motivation.


The goal is to balance extrinsic motivators with opportunities for intrinsic motivation to grow.


How to Foster Motivation and Comfort


1. Validate Their Feelings Without Labeling Them

Saying, “You’re just lazy” or “Why are you so scared of everything?” doesn’t help.


Instead, acknowledge their feelings without reinforcing the idea that they are a certain way.

Try:

  • “I see that trying new things makes you uncomfortable. That’s okay—we’ll take it one step at a time.”

  • “It makes sense that you feel nervous about this. New things can feel tricky at first.”


When children feel understood, they’re more likely to be open to gentle encouragement.


2. Start Small and Build Confidence


For a reluctant child, big leaps feel overwhelming.


Instead of pushing them straight into something new, create small, manageable steps.


If they refuse to join a sports team, start by casually kicking a ball around in the backyard.


If they’re afraid of trying new foods, let them explore it with their senses before expecting them to eat it.


Each small success builds intrinsic motivation by showing them they are capable.


3. Use Extrinsic Motivation Wisely


External rewards can be helpful when used strategically, but they work best when they lead to intrinsic motivation.


Instead of using bribes, frame rewards as recognition for effort.


Examples:

  • Instead of, “If you try dance class, I’ll buy you a treat,” say, “Let’s see how dance class goes—afterward, we can talk about what you liked best.”

  • Instead of a sticker chart for reading, make reading time special by letting them choose cozy blankets and a fun book.


When external motivation is used as a stepping stone rather than the main focus, kids are more likely to stick with things in the long run.


4. Focus on Effort, Not Outcome


Some kids avoid new things because they’re afraid of failing.


Shift the focus from results to effort:

  • “I love how you gave it a try—that’s what matters most!”

  • “You worked hard on that, and I can see your progress.”


When they see that effort is what’s valued, they’ll feel safer stepping into new experiences.


5. Make It Feel Safe


If a child is hesitant, don’t surprise them with a big challenge.


Instead, prepare them and give them some control.

  • Let them observe first before participating.

  • Offer choices within the experience: “Would you rather try the swing or the slide first?”

  • Normalize nerves: “Most people feel a little unsure before they try something new.”


When they know they have a say in the process, they’ll feel more in control and willing to try.


6. Model Trying New Things Yourself


Children watch how you handle challenges.


If they see you avoiding new experiences, they’ll do the same.


Show them that trying something unfamiliar is just part of life:

  • “I’ve never tried this food before—I’ll take one bite and see what I think.”

  • “I’m learning something new at work, and it’s a little tricky, but I’m sticking with it.”


Seeing you embrace the unknown helps them feel safer doing the same.


7. Be Patient and Keep the Door Open


Some kids take longer to warm up to new experiences, and that’s okay.


Pushing too hard can backfire.


Instead, let them know that the option is always there.

  • “You don’t have to do it today, but if you ever want to, I’ll be here to help.”

  • “I know this isn’t your favorite right now, but sometimes things grow on us over time.”


Sometimes, a little space and time are all they need.


Final Thoughts

A child who resists new things isn’t broken or unmotivated—they just need the right support to feel safe enough to try.


By balancing intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, offering small steps, and creating a secure environment, you can help them develop confidence that lasts a lifetime.

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