Why do we put up with things
We all know what it’s like to reach the end of our patience.
For some of us, it takes longer than others.
Eventually something happens, and it can be something quite small, and we react far more strongly than the situation warrants.
We snap at our partner, suddenly lose our temper with our children, get frustrated with something at work, or even get cross with ourselves because we’ve dropped something.
What really caused that reaction?
If we stop and think about it, quite often there’s a lot more going on than the one thing that just happened.
We’ve been putting up with other things, sometimes for quite a while, without really noticing.
In one way, reaching that point can be useful. It gives us a chance to stop and look at what’s been building up.
We don’t always notice
Think about something as simple as your weight.
You might put on a little weight over Christmas.
That’s okay, it’s Christmas, and you decide you’ll get back on track in January.
But January comes and goes.
You’re still having a few drinks, perhaps eating a little more than usual, and you’ve put on a bit more weight.
Then one day you notice your clothes aren’t fitting as well.
You think, actually, I’ve put on quite a bit of weight.
I’m not comfortable with this anymore, and I’m going to do something about it.
It happened gradually.
You just didn’t do anything about it until you reached a point where you noticed.
The same thing happens in other areas of our lives.
I have a friend who’s often late.
At first, they’re only a few minutes late, and you don’t mind.
But it happens more often, and you start getting irritated.
You still don’t say anything.
Then it gets worse, until eventually you think, this isn’t acceptable anymore.
I need to say something.
Or perhaps your child keeps pushing boundaries.
You’ve let a few things go because you’re in a good mood and don’t want to make a fuss. But it’s still a little niggle.
It happens again, and your frustration builds.
Then one day you’re not in such a good mood. You’ve been letting it go for a while, and your child is quite used to getting away with it.
That same small thing happens, and you explode.
If someone else is involved, they’re often quite surprised by your reaction.
They didn’t realise how much it had been bothering you.
And you might be surprised by your own reaction, too.
This is a good time to look at all the situations that have been building up and understand what’s really going on.
Why do we wait until we’ve had enough?
One reason is that we don’t always realise how much we’re putting up with.
As with the weight example, things can creep up gradually.
We don’t notice the change until it becomes uncomfortable.
Another reason is that we don’t always recognise our own limits.
We tell ourselves it’s not worth making a fuss.
We don’t want to upset someone, make a big deal out of something or seem unreasonable. So we let it go.
The trouble is, when we keep ignoring the little things, we can end up reacting emotionally because we haven’t dealt with them calmly.
When we’re already angry or frustrated, we don’t deal with things in the same way.
It’s much harder to have a sensible conversation when we’re emotional.
So when we finally speak up, we can make the other person the focus of our frustration. We blame them for making us angry, rather than looking at why we’ve reached this point and allowed things to get this far.
It’s much better to notice what’s bothering us and deal with it before we reach that stage.
Why does it really bother you?
Now let’s look at what’s actually going on for us.
When something upsets us, it’s worth asking ourselves why. What’s really bothering me about this?
Going back to my friend who’s often late, perhaps it bothers me because I value people’s time, including my own. I believe being on time shows respect.
With the child who talks back, perhaps you believe children shouldn’t speak to adults like that. You see it as disrespectful. Maybe you were brought up to speak respectfully to your parents - to show them respect.
Or perhaps you get frustrated when other people don’t do things properly because you have high standards.
You might have grown up with the saying, “A job’s not worth doing if you don’t do it properly.”
In each of these situations, there’s something underneath the reaction.
It might be a your values, a long-held expectation or a belief.
Once we understand this, it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t feel like this.
But it does help us understand why something matters so much to us.
Some of our limits are learned
As I’ve mentioned, many of our expectations were instilled in us when we were children.
We may have grown up in a home where being late wasn’t acceptable, children were expected to be seen and not heard, or everything had to be done to a particular standard.
Over time, these expectations become our rules.
They’re simply how we see the world.
We don’t question them because we assume that’s just how things are.
We can also start expecting other people to follow the same rules, without realising that they’ve grown up with different expectations.
Our experiences shape the way we respond to situations later in life.
These responses can become automatic.
We don’t even realise where they’ve come from.
But just because we’ve always thought, behaved or believed a certain way doesn’t mean we have to keep doing it.
We can start to recognise these patterns and decide whether they’re still working for us and whether we want to keep them.
What does this have to do with our needs?
Through the lens of Whole Needs©, our reactions are important because they can tell us something about what’s going on for us.
They can be a signal that a need isn’t being met.
For example, we might need respect, consideration or support.
Or perhaps we need a little more control over what’s happening in our lives.
When we don’t recognise these needs, we can end up putting up with things that make us uncomfortable.
Then, when we finally reach our limit, the reaction comes out as anger or frustration and is often directed at someone else.
This is particularly important in our relationships and when we’re parenting.
If we repeatedly allow behaviour we’re uncomfortable with, we can end up teaching our children that the behaviour is acceptable.
They don’t know we’re getting frustrated.
From their perspective, the behaviour is allowed.
Then we suddenly reach our limit and react strongly, leaving them confused about what has happened.
The answer isn’t to become stricter or react more quickly.
It’s to become more aware of what we’re really comfortable with, recognise when something needs addressing and communicate that before frustration takes over.
In summary
Our reactions are a really useful signal that something has been bothering us for longer than we realise. The trick is to notice it earlier and understand what’s behind it.
1. Notice the early signs. Pay attention when you start feeling uncomfortable, irritated or frustrated. Don’t wait until you reach breaking point.
2. Ask yourself why. When something bothers you, think about what’s underneath it. What need isn’t being met? Is there a value, expectation or belief involved?
3. Speak up earlier. Once you’ve understood what’s bothering you, you’re in a better position to address it calmly. Don’t wait until you’re angry, because it can come out in a way you don’t intend.
You can’t always control what other people do, but you can become more aware of what you’re prepared to accept. And sometimes the best way to prevent an explosion is to stop ignoring the little things that are bothering you along the way.
Reference: Gross, J. J. (1998). Antecedent- and response-focused emotion regulation: Divergent consequences for experience, expression, and physiology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(1), 224–237.
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