How Can We Make Change Easier?
Why Is Change So Difficult?
Often, we can know exactly what needs to change and still find ourselves doing the same old thing.
We can promise ourselves that tomorrow will be different, only to find ourselves back where we started.
Why does this happen?
Is it a lack of willpower, or is something else going on?
The truth is, our brains like what they know.
And even when our old ways aren’t working for us, changing them can feel surprisingly difficult.
Think about all the things you do each day without really thinking about them.
You get up, make your coffee, get dressed and follow your usual routine.
You don’t have to make a fresh decision about every little thing.
That’s because your brain learns patterns.
Once something becomes a habit, you can do it with much less thought and effort.
This is useful.
Imagine having to think carefully about every single thing you did all day.
You’d be exhausted!
But there is a downside.
When you want to do something differently, you have to put effort into changing a pattern that your brain already knows.
And when you’re tired, stressed or busy, it’s easy to fall back into your usual way of doing things.
It’s not necessarily that you don’t want to change.
The old way is simply easier.
The familiar feels safer
There’s another reason change can be difficult. We like knowing what to expect.
Even when a familiar routine isn’t good for us, at least we know how it works.
We know what happens next and how to deal with it.
Change brings uncertainty.
We might worry about getting it wrong, losing something we enjoy, or not knowing how things will turn out.
Sometimes, we stick with what we know because the alternative feels uncomfortable.
This can happen with almost anything.
We stay in a job we’re unhappy in, keep responding to people in the same way, or carry on with habits we know aren’t helping us.
The old way might not be making us happy, but it feels safe because it’s familiar.
You need a good enough reason.
Have you ever tried to give something up because you thought you should?
Perhaps your doctor has told you to stop smoking, someone has suggested you need to exercise more, or you know you ought to change the way you eat.
You might agree that it’s a good idea.
But knowing you should do something isn’t always enough to make you want to do it.
You might be like me - thinking about giving up your morning coffee.
If you enjoy the taste, the warmth and the little ritual of making it, simply telling yourself to stop means giving up all of those things.
What are you getting in return?
If the reason isn’t important enough to you, that familiar pleasure can easily win.
Lasting change needs more than a list of reasons why you ought to do something.
You need to understand what you genuinely want for yourself and what the change will give you.
Perhaps you want more energy to do the things you love.
Maybe you want to feel healthier, have better relationships or feel more in control of your life.
The simpler and more meaningful and important that outcome is to you, the more reason you have to keep going when change gets difficult.
Make change easier
We often try to change by telling ourselves to try harder.
But relying on willpower alone can make things much harder than they need to be.
If you want to eat differently but have tempting snacks in the cupboard, you’ll have to keep making the decision not to eat them.
If you want to exercise in the morning but have to find your clothes and shoes first, you’ve added more obstacles.
Instead, make the change easier.
Put your exercise clothes out the night before. Keep the food you want to eat within easy reach.
Attach a new habit to something you already do, such as taking your vitamins when you make your morning coffee.
These small changes help because you’re not having to fight your usual routines at every turn.
And don’t try to change everything at once.
If your life is built around several familiar habits, removing them all at once can leave you feeling unsettled.
Start with one change - and maybe a very small change - give yourself time to get used to it before tackling the next.
What does this have to do with our needs?
Through the lens of Whole Needs©, it’s worth looking at what sits beneath our resistance to change.
We all have needs that matter to us, including safety, comfort, connection and a sense of control.
A change might be good for us in one way but feel as though it threatens something else we need.
For example, someone might want to leave an unhappy relationship but fear being alone.
Someone might want to speak up more but worry about upsetting others or losing their approval.
Until we understand what’s making the change difficult, we can end up blaming ourselves for not trying hard enough.
This matters when we’re helping others change, too.
We can tell a child, partner or colleague what they need to do, but we can’t make them genuinely want it.
Understanding their concerns and helping them find a reason for change can be far more useful than simply telling them what they should do.
And when we slip back into an old habit, it doesn’t mean we’ve failed.
It gives us a chance to notice what happened and work out what might help next time.
In summary
Change is easier when we understand why we want it, make it easier to do, and give ourselves time to get used to doing things differently.
1. Find your real reason.
Ask yourself what you genuinely want to achieve.
Is this change important to you, or do you just feel you should do it?
2. Make one small change.
Don’t try to overhaul everything at once. Choose one thing and make it easier to do.
3. Learn from the slips.
If you return to an old habit, don’t beat yourself up.
Look at what got in the way and what you could do differently next time.
You don’t have to rely on willpower to change your life.
The more you understand yourself and make room for the change you want, the easier it becomes to move forward.
Reference:
Wood, W., & Rünger, D. (2016). Psychology of habit. Annual Review of Psychology, 67, 289–314.
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