Kids fighting

How to Handle Sibling Fighting

A Whole Needs Parenting Perspective

Sibling conflict can be one of the most draining parts of parenting.

The noise, the emotions, the tension in your own body.

It can feel like you are failing, or like something is wrong in your home.

Whole needs parenting starts with understanding that nothing is wrong.

Your children are not broken.

You are not getting it wrong.

What you are seeing is the clash of unmet needs, immature nervous systems, and children who are still learning how to be in relationship with each other.

Instead of focusing on stopping the behaviour, this approach looks at what is happening underneath it.

It treats the fight as communication.

And we can learn from it. And teach our children how to handle conflicts in the safety of their own home and family.

Why Siblings Fight Through the Whole Needs Lens

Children fight when needs collide.

One child needs connection, the other needs space.

One needs fairness, the other needs autonomy.

One needs sensory relief, the other needs stimulation.

Their systems are still developing, so they express those needs loudly, physically, impulsively, or with big emotions.

Children also fight because you are safe.

They can unravel in front of you because their bodies trust you more than anyone else.

This does not make it easier, but it explains why it often happens the moment you enter the room.

Personality, temperament, and age gaps also shape conflict.

A sensitive child and a fierce child will bump into each other simply because their ways of moving through the world are different.

What Whole Needs Parenting Looks Like in These Moments

You are not trying to referee or decide who is right.

You are helping two developing humans understand themselves and each other.

You become the steady presence that their nervous systems borrow.

You are the person who brings regulation when they have none.

You are not fixing the fight. You are holding the space where they learn how to repair.

Instead of rushing to silence the conflict, you slow the moment down.

You allow everyone to breathe.

You recognise that each child is trying to communicate something important, even if it comes out as a shove or a shout.

You do not choose sides.

You hold both children with equal empathy, even when one has done the hitting.

You see behaviour as communication, not character.

You help them reconnect with themselves before they reconnect with each other.

Because children can only problem solve once their bodies have settled.

Whole needs parenting honours boundaries, but it places the relationship at the centre.

Boundaries exist to protect connection, not control children.

What Children Learn Through This Approach

When you respond with presence instead of panic, your children learn:

• conflicts do not break relationships

• emotions are safe

• people can disagree and still stay connected

• repair is possible

• everyone’s needs matter

They learn this through your modelling, not your words.

Your Needs Matter Too

Sibling conflict is not only about the children.

It is also about you and your capacity in that moment.

Whole needs parenting asks parents to include themselves in the equation.

Your regulation is part of the environment your children grow inside.

Your past experiences with conflict can shape your reactions.

Your exhaustion changes what is available in your body.

Seeing your own needs clearly allows you to show up with steadiness instead of resentment.

The Bigger Picture

Sibling fighting is not a sign of a broken family.

It is a sign that children are practising the messy skills of being human.

They are learning how to communicate, negotiate, co-exist, and come back to each other.

Every conflict is a small moment of growth.

Every repair strengthens their sense of safety.

Every time you show up with calm presence, you teach them something far more powerful than any script.

Whole needs parenting is not about perfect responses.

It is about understanding, connection, and guiding children back to themselves so they can meet each other with more empathy next time.

Get in touch with me for more help and a step by step strategy to learn and grow from this.