How to Handle Kids Biting, Hitting, Spitting, and Hurting: A Gentle Parenting Guide
Parenting is a journey.
We want it to be filled with joy and not challenges.
One of the toughest hurdles is managing hurtful behaviors like biting, hitting, spitting, or other forms of lashing out.
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed or even disheartened in these moments.
You might find yourself wondering, Why is my child acting this way? Am I doing something wrong? How do I make it stop?
Take a deep breath.
These feelings are valid, and you’re not alone.
Handling these situations with patience and empathy is not only possible but also crucial for your child’s growth.
This article will guide you through understanding the why behind these behaviours, the how of addressing them effectively, and the what you can do to build your own resilience in the process.
How Parents Often Feel: Acknowledging the Emotional Toll
When your child lashes out physically or emotionally, it can be hard not to take it personally. You might feel:
Embarrassed if it happens in public.
Helpless because no strategy seems to work.
Frustrated when the behavior repeats.
Worried about your child’s future.
These feelings can add up, leaving you emotionally drained.
It’s vital to give yourself compassion.
Parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about showing up, learning, and trying again.
Recognising your emotions is the first step toward handling these situations with calm and confidence.
Understanding the Developmental Stage: Why It Happens
Young children often display behaviours like biting, hitting, or spitting because they are navigating the early stages of emotional regulation and communication.
These behaviours are not signs of defiance or “bad” parenting; they are natural, albeit challenging, parts of growing up.
Common Reasons Behind the Behaviour
Emotional Overload: Children experience big emotions—anger, frustration, excitement, or fear—that they don’t yet know how to express. Their underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and reasoning, means they react impulsively.
Sensory Exploration: For toddlers, the world is a sensory playground. Biting or spitting can be a way to explore textures, cause-and-effect, or even get attention.
Testing Boundaries: Children learn by testing limits. When they hit or bite, they might be exploring, What happens if I do this?
Seeking Control: Sometimes, hurtful behaviours emerge when children feel powerless. It’s their way of reclaiming some control, even if it’s not in a constructive way.
Imitating Behaviour: Children often mimic what they see. If they’ve witnessed hitting, yelling, or other aggressive actions, they may imitate them as a way to process what they observed.
The Bigger Picture: Why This Matters for Their Future
Addressing these behaviours gently and constructively isn’t just about surviving the toddler years—it’s about giving your child tools for life.
Key Skills They Learn
Emotional Regulation: Teaching your child to name and manage their emotions helps them develop self-control and emotional intelligence, essential for relationships, education, and career.
Empathy: By understanding how their actions affect others, children learn to consider others’ feelings, laying the groundwork for kindness and compassion.
Conflict Resolution: Guiding your child through these moments teaches them to handle disagreements without resorting to aggression.
Effective Communication: By redirecting behaviours like biting or hitting toward using words or other constructive actions, you’re teaching them how to express themselves in healthy ways.
Imagine your child as an adult.
The skills you’re teaching now will influence how they handle disagreements at work, navigate romantic relationships, and build friendships.
How to Respond Positively: Gentle Parenting in Action
Step 1: Pause and Regulate Yourself
When your child lashes out, your own emotional reaction can escalate the situation.
Take a deep breath.
Remind yourself, This is not an emergency. My child needs my guidance, not my frustration.
Step 2: Acknowledge the Feeling
Start with empathy.
Children feel seen and heard when you validate their emotions:
“You’re feeling really angry right now.”
“I see that you’re frustrated because your tower fell.”
This doesn’t excuse the behaviour but shows your child you’re on their side, helping them feel understood and supported.
Step 3: Set a Clear Boundary
Be firm but gentle in explaining what’s not acceptable:
“It’s not okay to hit. Hitting hurts.”
“We don’t spit at people. It’s yucky and makes others feel upset.”
Step 4: Redirect to a Positive Behaviour
Offer an alternative way to handle the emotion:
“If you’re angry, you can stomp your feet or say, ‘I’m mad!’”
“If you want to bite, let’s use this teether instead.”
Step 5: Teach and Repair
Once the moment has passed, discuss the behaviour in age-appropriate terms:
“When you hit, it hurts people. Next time, use your words to say how you feel.”
“Spitting makes people feel yucky. Let’s think of other ways to show we’re upset.”
Building Your Own Resilience
As parents, we can’t pour from an empty cup.
Strengthening your emotional resilience equips you to handle these challenges with patience and grace.
Recognise Your Triggers: Reflect on why certain behaviours upset you. Are you reacting to the behavior itself or a deeper fear about your parenting?
Practice Mindfulness: Techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or journaling can help you stay calm in the moment.
Seek Support: Share your experiences with trusted friends, parenting groups, or a coach. Having someone to talk to can ease the emotional weight.
Celebrate Small Wins: Notice and celebrate progress, both in your child’s behaviour and your own ability to respond calmly.
Why Resilience is a Key Parenting Goal
Your ability to model resilience—handling stress, managing emotions, and staying patient—is one of the most powerful lessons you can teach your child.
By working on your own emotional regulation, you’re showing them how to navigate life’s challenges with strength and grace.
The Bigger Picture: Parenting for Connection and Growth
Parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about connection and growth.
Addressing behaviours like biting, hitting, and spitting is less about “stopping” them immediately and more about guiding your child toward emotional maturity.
Each challenging moment is an opportunity:
To teach your child how to handle big emotions.
To strengthen your bond by showing them you’re a safe, supportive presence.
To grow yourself as a parent, learning alongside your child.
Gentle parenting is a journey of mutual growth, and you’re already on the right path.
Every time you choose empathy over anger, guidance over punishment, and connection over control, you’re planting seeds for your child’s future—and building the strong, loving relationship they’ll carry with them forever.
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