Be Careful What you 'wish' for

Are You Accidentally Telling Yourself What You Can’t Do?

The way we talk to ourselves can have a bigger impact on our lives than we realise.

Not because every thought magically creates our reality, but because what we say to ourselves influences what we notice, what we expect, the questions we ask, and the actions we take.

And often, we don't even notice we're doing it.

You might say:

"I can't do that."

"I don't know how."

"Nothing ever works for me."

"I don't want things to be like this."

These can sound like harmless comments. But they can also quietly shape the way you approach a situation.

So what if, instead of trying to think positively all the time, you became more careful about the direction of your thinking?

Notice what you're telling yourself

Imagine you have something you want to change.

Perhaps you want to start exercising, change jobs, have a difficult conversation, grow your business, improve a relationship, or finally deal with something you've been putting off.

You might know exactly what you need to do.

And yet your internal conversation might sound like:

"I can't do it."

"I wouldn't know where to start."

"It's too difficult."

"I don't have time."

"I've tried before and it didn't work."

The interesting thing is that your brain doesn't just hear these statements and move on.

They become part of the information your brain is working with.

If you tell yourself "I can't," you are unlikely to spend much time looking for ways that you might.

You've already reached a conclusion.

But change the statement to:

"I need to do this, but I don't know how yet."

Now there is a problem to solve.

And that is a much more useful place to start.

Change "I can't" into "How can I?"

One of the simplest changes you can make is to turn a statement into a question.

Instead of:

"I can't do this."

Ask:

"How could I do this?"

Instead of:

"I don't have enough time."

Ask:

"How could I make time for this?"

Instead of:

"I don't know where to start."

Ask:

"What is the first step?"

Instead of:

"This isn't going to work."

Ask:

"What would make this more likely to work?"

The question doesn't guarantee that you'll find an easy answer.

It does something more important.

It keeps you looking.

Be careful about focusing on what you don't want

Another common trap is describing what you don't want.

We do this constantly.

"I don't want to be stressed."

"I don't want my children fighting."

"I don't want a job I hate."

"I don't want to live somewhere noisy."

The problem isn't that these sentences are wrong.

The problem is that they don't tell you very clearly what you do want.

If you don't know what you're moving towards, it's much harder to recognise the right opportunity when it appears.

Try turning the statement around.

Instead of:

"I don't want to be stressed."

Try:

"I want to feel calm and have enough space in my day."

Instead of:

"I don't want my children fighting."

Try:

"I want my children to be able to play and communicate more calmly."

Instead of:

"I don't want a job I hate."

Try:

"I want work that I enjoy and that gives me the lifestyle I want."

You are creating a much clearer target.

A real-life example

When I was looking for a house, I had a very specific list of things I wanted.

One of them was that I wanted to be further down the road towards town.

Eventually, I found a house that ticked almost everything on my list.

When I looked back at my requirements, I laughed.

The house was, technically, further down the road.

It was about a one-minute walk further down the road from where I had been living.

I had asked for "further down the road."

And I got it.

What I had actually meant was that I wanted to be a couple of kilometres closer to town.

I simply hadn't been specific enough.

It's a small and amusing example, but it illustrates something useful:

Sometimes we need to get clearer about what we actually want.

If you tell yourself you want "more freedom", what does that actually mean?

More free time?

Less responsibility?

More money?

The ability to travel?

Working for yourself?

If you want "a better relationship", what does better mean?

More affection?

More communication?

More fun?

More independence?

The clearer you are, the easier it becomes to recognise what you're looking for and decide what to do next.

Your thoughts don't have to be true to be powerful

One of the most useful things you can learn is that you don't have to believe every thought you have.

Your brain produces thoughts constantly.

Some are useful.

Some are habitual.

Some are based on past experiences.

Some are simply your brain trying to protect you from something uncomfortable.

For example:

"I can't do this."

might actually mean:

"I'm worried I'll fail."

"I don't know how."

"This feels uncomfortable."

"I've never done this before."

"I'm afraid of what might happen."

That doesn't make the thought useless.

It makes it information.

Instead of automatically accepting "I can't," you can become curious about it.

What is actually stopping me?

Is there something I don't know?

Is there a skill I need?

Do I need help?

Am I avoiding something because it feels uncomfortable?

Now you're investigating the problem rather than simply accepting the conclusion.

Try this with one area of your life

You don't need to start monitoring every thought you have.

Choose one thing that you would like to move forward with.

Then, for a few days, simply notice what you say to yourself about it.

Write down the thoughts without judging them.

For example:

I don't have time.

I don't know how.

This is too difficult.

I always give up.

It's probably not going to work.

Then look at each thought and ask:

Is this helping me move forward?

If not, don't replace it with something you don't believe.

Replace it with something that creates a little more possibility.

"I don't have time" could become:

"How could I create some time for this?"

"I don't know how" could become:

"What do I need to learn?"

"This is too difficult" could become:

"What's one part of this I could tackle first?"

"I always give up" could become:

"What would help me keep going this time?"

You aren't pretending the problem doesn't exist.

You're changing the question from "Why can't I?" to "What could I do?"

Be careful with "why"

"Why" can be a particularly unhelpful starting point when you're trying to move forward.

"Why can't I do this?"

"Why does this always happen to me?"

"Why am I like this?"

These questions can easily send you backwards into analysing the problem.

Sometimes that analysis is useful. But if your goal is to find a way forward, questions such as these are often more productive:

How can I...?

What do I need to...?

What could I try?

Who could help me?

What is my first step?

What would make this easier?

These questions direct your attention towards possibility and action.

You don't need to think positively all the time

This isn't about forcing yourself to say everything is wonderful.

If something is genuinely difficult, you can acknowledge that.

"This is difficult."

"I'm disappointed."

"I'm scared."

"I don't know what to do."

Those statements can be completely honest.

The useful shift is to avoid turning a temporary situation into a permanent conclusion.

There is a big difference between:

"I don't know how to do this."

and

"I can't do this."

The first describes where you are now.

The second closes off where you might go.

Adding one small word can sometimes make a big difference:

yet.

"I don't know how to do this yet."

That leaves the door open.

The question to take away

The next time you catch yourself saying:

"I can't."

Pause.

You don't need to argue with yourself.

Just ask:

"I can't... or I don't know how yet?"

And when you catch yourself focusing on what you don't want, ask:

"So what do I actually want instead?"

Then ask:

"What could I do next?"

You don't have to know the whole path.

You just need to stop closing the door before you've looked for the way through.

Sometimes changing the words doesn't change the situation immediately.

But it can change how you approach the situation.

And that can be the beginning of change.